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Spring 2006
by Sooth Sawyer
View Sooth Sawyer's Fall '06 horror-scopes |
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Get comfortable with the word "evisceration."* |
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You will be taken to a magical fantasy world and welcomed as a long-lost but oft-foretold mystical leader. You will lead the people to greatness, you will defeat the evil wizard, and in the end you will get the hot elf... Nah. But you will sit in your parents' basement eating ring dings and watching re-runs of Doctor Who.* |
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Imagine, if you will, a magic 8 ball, capable of predicting your future. Now imagine that after hours of frustrating and fruitless puzzling you snap open the ball to discover that every facet of the icosahedron inside contains the phrase "hell no."* |
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Since Mars currently lies within the sphere and influence of Saturn, you will meet an unexpected old friend and then find yourself coming into a small fortune... Wait... this isn't Sagittarius? Oh, it's Taurus. Never mind. Man, you're screwed.* |
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This season brings significant change to your life; a new career lies ahead! One with many opportunities for personal growth and advancement. There is, of course, one small catch... Remember the creature that lurked under your bed when you were five? The one your parents told you didn't exist, but you knew better? The one with the razor sharp claws, glowing red eyes and mass of writhing tentacles? Who would have thought he would someday be your boss?* |
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Good news! You will be lucky in love this season. There is a female out there for you, and she is interested in your body. After all, she needs somewhere to cocoon her hatchlings.* |
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Venus is a major influence over your life, and many exciting developments lie in store. An old acquaintance will renew a friendship, some changes will occur at home... oh... and a South American cult will form around a single purpose: your slow and painful demise. Enjoy your season!* |
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If by any possibility you find yourself driving on a lonely, deserted stretch of highway, we recommend you pick up the creepy looking hitchhiker on the side of the road. Oh, he will almost certainly try to kill you, but he's the only one with the artillery and the skills to deal with the axe-wielding maniac in the back seat.* |
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This season you will follow the advice of a complete stranger who makes watered down, generic predictions that rely entirely on coincidence for their factual outcomes. You will take these predictions and apply them in your own life instead of relying on common sense and the more personal, applicable advice of your family and therapist. Scary, isn't it?* |
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If Hollywood is to be believed, horrible things only ever happen to stereotypes. Therefore, if you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being a stereotype this season, please, whatever you do, don't hang out with a jock, a cheerleader, a weirdo and a tough guy, and you may sidestep the doom that awaits you. You'll also avoid being cast in a John Hughes movie.* |
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A wise man once said, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Although this idea is definitely relevant to you this season, what concerns us more is the thought of mice making plans, and what nefarious deeds they plot in their squeaky little conclaves.* |
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The stars will align; you will be lost among them.* |
* These predictions are not in any way accurate and are not intended as legitimate advice. Please DO NOT base your decisions on them. If you do, none of us will be held responsible (including Sooth Sawyer, MechMuse, and the friend who told you about MechMuse). Have a lovely life.