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Fall 2006
by Sooth Sawyer
View Sooth Sawyer's Spring '06 horror-scopes |
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You will wake up one morning, look in the mirror and think with horror "Where did my youth go?" When this happens, look on the bright side. Being already bent with age, you no longer have its onset to fear.* |
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Though you may not remember it, you were an owl in your previous life. An owl that every night feasted on field mice and voles. One of those voles came back as a three-hundred-pound biker named Butch. And he's pissed. * |
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This season you will contract a strange and severe illness. After several trips to emergency rooms, many visits with specialists and countless tests, you will be diagnosed with a violent allergy to the color yellow and to the emotion of joy.* |
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What's this? A package! From your eccentric Uncle Jenkins in the far off Amazon! After signing for the delivery and thanking the UPS guy you eagerly take the large box inside. Then, as the box begins to shake and enormous pincers rip through the sides, something occurs to you. You don't have an eccentric Uncle Jenkins...* |
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This season will bring an upturn in your love life as new dating opportunities present themselves. All you need do is lower your standards a bit. There are a lot of single, troglodytic club-foots out there. A lot.* |
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Word on the street is that J. J. Abrams is all set to direct a prequel to the original Star Trek featuring a young Captain Kirk. What are you waiting for? There's still time to lose that extra hundred pounds and try out for the role! The producers are sure to be very impressed with your ability to recite Hamlet in Klingon.* |
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We were going to say that this season would be one of joy and prosperity because of Pluto's influence in your life. However, a group of scientists have apparently decided that Pluto isn't a planet, effectively making it just another rock floating in space and removing it from astrological considerations. Hey, don't blame us, blame science.* |
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If there is one thing we are reasonably certain of, it is that Bruce Campbell is the man. You, on the other hand, are not. You don’t have carefully timed quips, a metal hand, or a shotgun. In fact, the only thing you and Bruce do have in common is that hoards of undead are out to get you.* |
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Some random snippets of advice this season. Be loquacious and gregarious in all your dealings. Beware of too-good-to-be-true business opportunities, for nothing comes free. And, if at some point you awake to discover a slumbering ferret in your pants, whatever you do, don't wake him.* |
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A wonderful opportunity will present itself this season. One you should pursue to the exclusion of all else. Feel free to sacrifice your job, your social life, even your family if needs be. After all, not just anybody makes it to Level 60.* |
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All the symptoms are there: you feel warm, you have butterflies in your stomach and you can't concentrate. Have you been bitten by the love bug? Well, in a sense. The "love bug" is currently burrowing its way through your brain to the cerebellum.* |
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You will continue to be lost among the cosmos; your family and friends will send out search parties.* |
* These predictions are not in any way accurate and are not intended as legitimate advice. Please DO NOT base your decisions on them. If you do, none of us will be held responsible (including Sooth Sawyer, MechMuse, and the friend who told you about MechMuse). Have a lovely life.